Putting yourself first

Diseases of the soul are more dangerous and more numerous than those of the body. ~Cicero

I was visiting on the phone this week and discussing an analogy I often use in sessions with parents.  Picture yourself getting ready to head out on vacation, sitting on a plane.  We all know that when the safety procedures are reviewed, most of us tune out.  I don't know why we discuss them because in the event of an emergency, we are all going to die and there is no point in knowing that the seat below me turns into a flotation device.  However, there is one valuable lesson that comes from this.  “In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will automatically descend from the ceiling. Grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have children travelling with you, first secure your mask before assisting with theirs." 

How often has it been imprinted within us that putting yourself first is an act of selfishness?  I, myself, am a natural giver.  I would like to take every bum I see out for lunch.  I will drop everything to help out a friend in need.  I will help the old lady carrying groceries and will make sure that the 3 foot rat snake I find in my basement gets outside unharmed.  So how is it possible that when I put myself first, I am selfish?  The answer is that I am not, and neither are you.  When you put yourself first, you are the healthiest you can be.

Obviously there is a fine line between being selfish ("No, I can't help you out because I am putting myself first") and making yourself a priority ("I would love to help you, but I need to first take care of my responsibilities).  I am in no way endorsing selfishness.  But I do want to talk about putting yourself first.

I met a woman who was ailing from an inability to put herself before others.  When I met her, she would literally not get out of bed until a crisis with one of her children occurred.  She would get phone calls every day about her sons getting in trouble at school and would react.  Her children were fed, well dressed, had fresh haircuts, and despite not having a lot of money, were kept happy.  She helped out her sisters and her parents at the drop of a hat and made sure that everybody  body else had what they need and that they were happy.  The problem?  She was not.  She would spend about 23 hours a day lying in her bed with the curtains drawn, drifting in and out of consciousness.  When I met her, she told me she wanted to make changes--so that's exactly what we did.  It turns out that for months, she had been sacrificing herself for her kids--was trying to go back to school but was getting interrupted at school and could not keep up on school work because every day she was being forced to go deal with them.  She had a job but was so overwhelmed with her failing school grades and her children's troubles that she had to quit.  Because she was feeling a loss of control in other areas of her life, she stopped taking her medications.  This was all a slow deterioration process.  With a few discussions about putting herself first, some significant changes were made.  She first started taking her medications.  Because she was feeling more balanced, she was ready for the next step--literally.  She started going outside every day.  Her goal was to walk around the block.  I got a call later that day saying that after she did one lap, it wasn't enough, so she kept going for an hour!  Now that she was medicated and getting out of bed, she started taking care of her hygiene, showering, getting her hair done, painting her nails, dressing up a little more.  Within  2 months, she was back at school.  Because she was feeling more confident, she was able to set some limits with her sons, who were now doing better in school because they were not so worried about Mom, and they knew that she wasn't going to tolerate their foolishness in school.  By the 3rd month, she was working full time, continuing in school 4 days a week, and looked like a happiness I'd never seen in her before.  This is a fine example of how putting yourself first helps you to not only be happier and healthier, but helps those around her.  Her son was able to go for 2 months without being sent home from school (it used to happen weekly!), her son's teacher reported that he was like a brand new kid in school because he was trying so hard and was working to help others in class, and their family as a whole had become closer. 

If you don't place your oxygen mask on yourself first, you will pass out and others around you who needed help will not be able to receive it.  It is critical that you spend time regularly on yourself.  It can be a few minutes a day out on a walk, writing in a journal, or just taking time to meditate.  It can be a weekly trip to yoga or rewarding yourself with a massage, maybe even buying yourself something because you just deserve it.  Whatever it is, recognize all the good that you do for others, but know that you cannot give all that you can give until you allow yourself all that you can be--by putting yourself first.