I want to take this opportunity to officially apologize to every single one of my friends who has taken the time in recent weeks to check in with me and while I know every single one of you have a life and your own struggles, I've not asked how they are and not offered a hand to help. I feel incredibly selfish lately because I have not done so. And every single time that someone checks in, I consciously don't make the effort to ask how their circumstances are. I apologize. It is not that I don't care how you are each doing. It is that I don't have the energy to have that conversation and don't have the energy to support you in what you need right now.
Today, I had a conversation that I finally needed to have. Don't get me wrong--every single one of you has been wonderful, as I know I have mentioned before. But today, I got to have a conversation that was just mine. One where I didn't feel guilty not asking "how are you doing?" A $25 co-pay allowed me the opportunity to speak without being interrupted, without feeling guilty, and without wondering if I was saying too much.
There is a show on Netflix that I highly encourage others to check out. It is called "United States of Tara." The basic premise is that Tara has dissociative identity disorder (formerly known as multiple personality disorder). She's married and has 2 kids and the show highlights life as Tara and life with Tara. In the final episode of Season 3, her husband, Max, is shown several times doing "double takes." The scene is done twice. The first take is how he wants to respond (less than appropriately), and the second is how he does respond (appropriately, as expected). However, he's eventually has too much and loses it. Check out his losing it here on a low quality video(for those who are anti-the F-word, I apologize in advance....):
I feel like this a lot lately. I feel like if there were really a camera following me around, I would like to do Take 1--I want to do and say that it is that is within me. And then Take 2--what I really need to do or say. I told that to my therapist today. She said that it is understandable as I certainly have a lot going on and a lot of people depending me. I hope I don't have a scene like this where Max loses it. But if I do, I apologize in advance and thank you for your permission to do so.
Probably a more proper form of this--though it is a scene spoiler--is in the movie "Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close"--which is an incredible tear-jerker, is when a little boy with Asperger's finally decides that he is ready to tell his story. I'm not sure if he decides that he is ready--or if he finally has a listening ear--or if it was an intersection of both factors. I guess today was that for me--an intersection of both. If you haven't seen the movie, don't watch this--go out and rent it, then re-read my blog, and then watch the video. That's a directive.
Anyway, I officially apologize for not being in a place where I can genuinely ask how you are doing or ask how your different circumstances are. Please know that while I am doing better than I was a week ago, there are still a lot of bumps in the road and I am moving forward. I will continue to drop my co-pays so I can continue to unload without the guilt of not asking how she is doing and with the satisfaction of knowing that I now have 2 places I can speak without being interrupted: in therapy, and on here.
Apologetically yours,
XOXO,
La
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