A little bit

If faced in the right direction, all we have to do is keep on walking.  -Buddhist saying

I love walking through Hallmark.  I am certain that if given a gift card, I would walk out with a HUGE LOAD of greeting cards.  I may forget to send you a birthday card on your birthday--but I may send you a birthday card on a completely different day because I find a card that just fits you.  Unfortunately, I can't keep up with the costs of the Hallmark Card.  And while I love them--some are so funny, some are so kind--nothing beats giving someone your own words, rather than someone else's.  With that in mind, consider this outlet something to substitute for my Hallmark addiction.

I spent most of the last 26 days in tears and worrying.  Today, I knew I would do it different.  I got some assignments done and I got a little misty eyed at a couple points--but they were good ones.  And in the end, I recalled my commitment to caring for myself.  This included a pedicure, allowing dinner to be made for me, and preparing for a night of peaceful rest with the rain falling outside.

Probably one of the best things I did for myself today was allowing myself to be humbled.  I was asked to apologize to somebody--when I had not done wrong.  So let me play for you 2 scenarios:
1)  how I wanted to respond:  "are you freaking kidding me?  Me, apologize?!  Wait--you remember how this all went down right--that this is what she did and I am not putting up with that.  Apologize?  Yeah--I'll tell her I'm sorry she got busted!"
2)  my outward response: I don't know if I can do that.

On the upside, I display a tremendous amount of self-restraint at most times.

I reminded myself that on this road to rediscovery--I am going to be challenged to do things differently.  In order to not fall into patterns again, I'm going to have to change it up.

I gathered my thoughts. 

Took a deep breath.  And another.  And a 3rd.  12th.  27th. 

And I decided I could do it.

It was not a simple apology.  It was a 20 minute discussion.  And throughout it, I apologized.  Several times. And so did she.  I explained my intentions.  She explained hers.  And we moved along.

I can't say it was easy--but nothing worth fighting for ever is, right? 

The destinations that are the hardest have the journeys that are the most memorable.

Time to fall asleep.  And rest as long as I can--without an alarm.

This Hallmark card would simply say: 

I'm sorry.  I promise to screw up again in the future and make it up to you.  And I hope you'll do the same.  Let's screw up together so we can learn to do it less.

Love always,
La