Back for round 2

If you are going through hell, keep going. ~Winston Churchill.



I remember a song we used to sing with the kids at Vacation Bible School and Sunday School when I was a kid.

"On a day like this (clap, clap), on a day like this (clap, clap), on a day like this (clap), oh and I need the Lord to help me." 

Each round, you would come back adding another action to the clap.  Clapping, stomping, cow-milking--I think by the end there were probably about 8 different actions.  It was always funny and silly and the kids found the funniest part to be when the "grown ups" would forget the action or get it out of order. 

In recent weeks (clap, clap) I have needed the Lord.  Those who  know me well know I would consider myself spiritual, at best.  But in the last several weeks, I have dealt with emotional lows, fears, sadnesses and realities that have left me empty--void--and powerless.  Being in the Bible belt requires that anybody you know--friend or stranger--will tell you any chance that they can that "they are praying for you" or "just to pray on it."

I'm a proof girl.  I want to see evidence.  I want it in black and white.  Yet--over a year ago--I decided to embrace gray. 

I'm also a doer.  A fixer.  Leaky toilet?  I'm on it.  Grass too long?  Consider it cut.  I may not always have the best solution (though I would argue that most times I do--ha!), but I always have one.

However, the last few weeks (clap, clap) have left me at a loss of solutions.  I don't know the answer. I can't see the end result and I can't tell anyone how to get there. 

My Southern friends assure me, "there is a light at the end of the tunnel."  And while I worry that the light is a train coming to hit me  head on, I realize that if even that is the case, I won't be able to find a solution for that--if it is coming, it is coming.

So when I have no answers and I have no proof--I find myself singing the song.

Oh I need the Lord to help me.

Please keep me and my loved ones in your thoughts & prayers.  There are large mountains ahead for all of us and doing anything less than climbing and conquering them will leave us right where we are--lost. 

Some write poetry about losing faith when they want to believe so bad.  Some go for days without talking when all they want to hear is "it is not your fault."  Some cry and want to "kick someone's balls off" when they don't understand.  Some check out emotionally. 

But me--I'm a doer.  And I don't know what else to do.

So I will go to sleep, knowing everyone is safe--everyone is loved--and that whatever that light at the end of the tunnel is--I will be here walking that tunnel and not turning around, giving up, or anything of that nature.  I was convinced earlier today that I had lost myself.  I knew I had to take a breather.  I'd forgotten that while on a plane, you are instructed to first place on your own oxygen mask before helping those around you.  I haven't done that.  I don't know if I even remember how to.  But I will learn it.  Re-learn, I suppose.  And I didn't lose myself.  I'm here.  I'm not going anywhere.  And I may grow weak--but I can't do it all and I can't do it on my own. 

I'm here.  For the long haul.  I hope you are too.  And I won't give up.  The strongest trees have the deepest roots.

10 months and counting (clap, clap), oh we need the Lord to help us...
Love always, La