Friday, August 10, 2012

Color confusion

The difference between setting a boundary in a healthy way and manipulating is: when we set a boundary we let go of the outcome. ~Robert Burney

In attempting to embrace gray, there are so many confusing forks in the road. 

One of my favorite populations to work with is adolescent sex offenders.  Many find this very confusing, but to me it is obvious:  this is an easy group to work with because it is obvious that their behaviors are NEVER acceptable.  Take another type of child on my caseload--an angry one who gets aggressive.  We can teach him that hitting people is wrong.  But let's be honest, there are situations we have all faced that we would hit someone.  If someone hits our loved ones, we are going to step in and defend them.  Most of us would defend ourselves if hit.  So we reinforce a message to this angry boy that we know ourselves--there is gray.  But sexual boundaries are black and white--and as you well know, black and white is my comfort zone.  Thus, this population, in my opinion, is the easiest to work with because there is no gray.

I set boundaries for a living.  I work with parents on recognizing the cycles in their homes that they do not like and help them recognize their role of setting boundaries to interrupt these cycles.  Boundaries are black and white.

How do I embrace gray while realizing that I have let boundaries go? 

Why is it when I recognize what I need, I feel selfish because others may not like my boundaries?

When faced with it already today, I had the internal battle.  Do I forgo what I need to care for myself because I want to be with someone today?  Or do I set the boundary and realize that in return, I will lose out on that person today--potentially forever because she thinks I'm being hateful?

Today is my time to care for myself.  I can only do what I can do.  I can only be what I can be.  And have to have hope that in the end, something will turn out.  I have to reclaim myself.  I have to find myself.  I have to let go of the outcome of the boundary I'm setting because the outcome I'm creating for myself--not for others--is that I am doing what I know I need to care for myself.

I want to find myself.  And I want to be back in my home as it once was.  Can both concepts exist?

I don't know if what I'm doing is right, but I have to be real with myself and know what I can handle.

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